Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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