Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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