She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
