this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize