I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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