You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
