he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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