You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
