I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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