I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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