My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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