I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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