I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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