just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
