Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
