I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Are we still banned from the library?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
