The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
