I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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