two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
