You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
