My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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