OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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