We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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