can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
