I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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