genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
