I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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