You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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