she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
