He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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