Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
