i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
