Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
