Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize