Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
