i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
