I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
