this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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