atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
