Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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