I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
