I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
