sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
