I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
