beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
