I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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