there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
