I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
And then he peed in my hair
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