Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
