I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We need to get me chipped asap
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
