wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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