How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
