i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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