The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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