the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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