How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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