final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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