My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You may now shotgun with the bride
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
