also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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